From Mass Weddings To Special Assistants On Street Lights: Political Genius In Nigeria By ‘Tope Oriola

Political genius has flown under the radar for far too long in Nigeria. There is a need to appreciate and publicise the level of political acumen and sagacity from the top echelons of power. Organising mass weddings is one cardinal part of political genius in Nigeria. It fulfils the divine command to procreate and replenish the earth. Why would anyone disobey? Political leaders organizing such weddings should be acknowledged for what they are — messengers from above. The story of a 20-year old man who participated in one of such weddings is worth iterating. He had no education, no job, no known skill and could not have taken a second wife but for the genius of his state government. Think about it: What else do men think about in their 20s? Marriage.
The geniuses in Nigeria simply channeled his youthful energy to a useful direction to produce potentially healthy babies for the nation. This contributes to our millions of out of school children who can be deployed for various purposes. They can be used to win elections as underage voting is not that bad for democracy. Children are people too. Such children put no strain on the school system as they don’t go to school anyway. The children will grow up to take up jobs that we will think about creating at some point in the distant future. Besides, the man’s children are welcome to join our growing kidnapping industry.


Political appointments in Nigeria increasingly demonstrate serious genius. Those criticising the appointments are not being fair to the appointees and the immanent wisdom of those making them. These are measures to alleviate poverty. One government official put it bluntly in a letter to a political appointee: “Hon. (name withheld) aim at alleviating you from your financial hardship”. (By the way, some people on social media mocked the letter and its grammatical inadequacy. Why do we have grammar police in Nigeria? Bad bele). The aides are expected to ensure the distribution of largesse to others around them: spouses, concubines, friends and extended family members. Why should a governor preside over poor people? This is a more direct and proven way of social engineering than creating jobs in the private sector. The private sector tends to be performance driven and employers like to over-work people. Have you observed what happened in the banking sector? Why would anyone not wish to work with the government?


One state government recently appointed a “Senior Special Assistant, Street Lights III”. The relatively short man was appointed to join two tall men on matters relating to street lights. The third person is there partly to ensure adequate representation in society. Short men are people too. The appointments are not that bad when you think deeply about them. Street lights cost money to install and have to be maintained with appropriate human power. Efficient running through timely purchase of diesel is a must. Why is solar energy somehow equivalent to making progress? We are an oil-producing nation. We are free to face backgrounds while other countries choose to look forward. We dare to be different.


One genius was criticised for appointing 66 aides and assigning three of them to his three wives. Are his wives not part of his family and government? People should understand that the performance of the genius is directly correlated to the peace in the home.  Another genius was unfairly criticised for setting up several crucial ministries. He set up the ministry of foreign affairs in his state. Was he at fault for not knowing that foreign affairs was the exclusive preserve of the federal government? Somebody should have simply told him instead of criticising him in the media. Maybe he was a science student and did not take Government in high school. If he did, then his teacher should be arrested. As a 21st Century leader, the genius established the ministry of robotics and artificial intelligence, ministry of humanity and social welfare, and ministry of grants and economic empowerment. He also set up the ministry of establishment and payroll, and ministry of special duties, among others. These ministries, according to Premium Times join the ranks of existing ministries such as the ministry of training and doctoring, ministry of infrastructure, ministry of rural transformation, ministry of climate change, and ministry of new cities development, among others. I am not sure why these ministries are controversial. These appointments are emblematic of the contemporaneity of the genius in our society. After all, Spain has a minister for sex and the UK has a minister for loneliness.


These geniuses are full of ideas. They are darlings of the people and are merely executing the promises they made to bring government closer to the people. Those making all the noises are the “jobless” people on social media. Social media is not an accurate calibration of the mood of the people. The people would have engaged in spontaneous large street protests if the appointments were against the wishes of the majority. Stop frustrating political genius in Nigeria.


Sahara Reporters has been making a lot of noises about the appointment of roughly three persons with forged certificates into a state government. How is that the fault of the government? Why should a government go through enormous stress to verify the qualifications of its appointees (or confirm whether such persons are dead or alive)? The new appointees are fine advertorials for the sophisticated forgery sector at Oluwole in Lagos. We should encourage our local industries.


Nigerians should be reminded that garbage collection is nuclear science. Some Nigerians recently pretended they were shocked to see pictures of a market full of garbage. The pictures showed people selling clothes and other things like food right by heaps of garbage. This is proper immunization against childhood and adult diseases. Whatever does not kill you will only make you stronger.


Oh, the doorbell is ringing and I am now awake. It is all a dream. Thank God!


Follow Oriola on Twitter: @topeoriola.